Working with the 'shoulds' in life - understanding introjection

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about why I think the way I do, believe the the things I think, feel the things I feel and act the way I do.

It is a combination of these things that make me who I am.  So many layers of thought, feeling and experience that go into making me – me.

It is also this combination of things that leads me to either feeling satisfied with life or feeling and experiencing dissatisfaction.  That dissatisfaction displaying as sadness, disappointment, frustration and anger (amongst other things).

At the heart of it all – are my beliefs about life – how I should be, what’s expected of me – what I expect from the world and those around me.

In Gestalt therapy theory, the beliefs we have about ourselves, others and the world around us are referred to as introjects.  ‘Introjection is the process of absorbing or ‘swallowing whole’ some rule, message, model and so on that is presented to the organism from outside itself’ (Sills, Lapworth, Desmond 2012).  This basically means that our understanding of self and the world comes from what we take on from the world around us.  We do not question it – we just accept it.  I like the use of the term 'swallow whole’ as it indicates no questioning of whether what we take in is for our good or not – we just swallow it down – no questions asked.

A simple example of an introjection is the way in which a child learns what is perceived as good or bad.  A parent may say, “Good children always help others and never think about themselves.”  This child then grows up to feel guilty about saying no to others, they ignore their own needs to avoid disappointing those in their life or they believe they are selfish when prioritising themselves.  The introjected belief being that to put self-care first is wrong.

Another example is ‘boys don’t cry’.  Boys (and girls) grow up with an introjected belief that boys should not show emotion, and it is a weakness to do so.  Is it any wonder that the suicide rate amongst men is so high when they are told from a young age that expressing feelings is not what men do.

Latner (1986) describes the power of introjection in how we take on roles and behaviours to survive. ‘We take on bits and pieces of roles we hope will allow us to deal successfully with situations that our spontaneous responses seem not to resolve.”  An example of this might be not speaking up in a meeting when you disagree with something because the introjected belief is ‘I must not rock the boat’. It is therefore safer to stay quiet, and you then supress what you want to say because of the introject.

Not all introjects are bad or wrong – we need introjection to help us survive – think road safety rules for example. It is also worth thinking where introjects come from; parents and other influential adults, our peers, society, culture, experiences - they all contribute to the way we apply rules to make sense of our own place in the world.

In my work as a counsellor, I often work with clients to help identify introjects that cause them to have a negative opinion of themselves, and which lead to actions that do not support their wellbeing or the experience of having positive relationships with others.

Because an introjected message has often been ‘swallowed whole’ - part of the challenge in therapy is to give space for the client to examine the introject and to ‘chew it over’ – this allows the client to explore their experiences where the introject has influenced their beliefs and actions.  Where the introject is harmful and does not help – ways of rejecting or ‘spitting-out’ the introject are explored and we look at how the introject can be replaced.  This is like a type of reframing.

What I like about this part of therapy, is the way it allows the client to take control of their lives and construct their own framework of beliefs about themselves in a forum that affirms who they are. 

Challenging introjects isn’t always easy and there are some deeply rooted rules and beliefs that take a lot of processing and work to get replaced.  Past difficulties need to be addressed and reconciled, and responsibility needs to be addressed.

Counselling enables people to become more self-aware and more self-actualised – taking responsibility for themselves and how they interact and respond to the world, the people and circumstances around them.  This almost inevitably leads to working with introjected views of self, others and the world. 

‘Probably one of the primary tasks of becoming an autonomous self-actualising individual is to become more aware and re-examine what we have taken in as moral imperatives’ suggests Clarkson and Caicchia (2014) who then describe a way of externalising the ‘shoulds’ by writing them down to examine them.  The ones that fit with a healthy sense of who we are the ones to keep whilst the others that do not fit can be rejected. 

This writing exercise may be useful for you to do.  As you become aware of the ‘rules’ that you live your life by – write them down, reassess them – notice your response to them and have some curiosity about how that rule influences your thoughts, beliefs and actions.

Therapy is a great way to explore introjects as it provides the forum to explore their influence and the ‘what if..’ of replacing them.  It can be too easy to just drift through life without reflecting and having curiosity about why we think and believe what we do about ourselves and the world around us.  Challenging the introjects we have taken on is one of the great gifts of the therapeutic process – especially when it results in freedom from years of a negative pattern of belief and experience.  That has certainly been my experience throughout my own therapy journey, and it is what I continue to enjoy experiencing through working with my therapy clients.

If you want to explore your introjects – why not get in touch and find out how therapy can be a good way of doing this.